Women, here’s how to do it right!
For many, anal sex is an incredibly exciting and pleasurable experience, while for others, it’s completely off the table. So, is it for us or not? And if we’re curious about it, how do we even begin?
Leaving out other forms of sex (masturbation, oral or manual contact), in common parlance, “sex” often only refers to penetration into another person’s body – and in the case of anal sex, we tend to associate it with someone inserting their penis into women’s anus. But that’s not the essence of it – the real point is the pleasure, which can be triggered even by a finger or tongue, without penetration.
Penetration is about trust
For many of us, attentive penetration is a cherished experience – if only more people knew this, rather than taking cues from the often brutal depictions in porn, especially when it comes to women’s behinds. Thinking about the anus, penetration is often linked with ideas of conquest, possession, even humiliation – this can be scary beyond the physical sensations and of course, deeply arousing as well. Our instincts carry both fears and desires around this, making us cautious, dismissive, and turned on all at once.
Just as with vaginal penetration, where women mostly bear the risks of pregnancy, disease and pain, in anal sex the receiving partner tends to fear pain, hygiene mishaps and vulnerability. It’s important to feel safe – and to want it more than we fear it.
So why do it at all?
Our anus (and the prostate reachable through it in men) is a highly innervated and completely valid erogenous zone. Moreover, the anus is a unisex body part that can be enjoyed regardless of gender. Rest assured, as a straight man, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the sensations in your anus and prostate – and not all gay men are fans or practitioners of anal pleasures either.
Start with yourself
Whether you want to give or receive anal pleasure, get some experience on your own during masturbation. Discover what this pleasure really feels like and what you need for it. You’ll learn the importance of proper preparation and arousal and what it means to hand over control in this situation. You might come to really enjoy receiving anal stimulation – and you’re likely to become a more experienced, confident, and better partner because of it. You can find tons of practical info out there – it’s really worth getting informed.
Here’s a short selection of tips for women:
Clean thoroughly – it’s important to avoid infections and feel confident about cleanliness. Never touch the vulva/vagina with anything that has been in the anus without a proper wash in between.
When alone, you can figure out whether you need an enema. With good digestion and regular bowel movements, there are times each day when the rectum is usually empty. But you might still find it helpful to do a gentle enema a few hours before play. Use a vaginal irrigator (available at drugstores) with lukewarm water – no more than 200–300 ml at once. Continue rinsing until the water runs clear – once might be enough. Lubricate the tip with oil before inserting it and after rinsing wait a while as water might still come out, which can be uncomfortable around others.
Keep your nails short and smooth.
During play:
If you’re with a partner, communication is everything. Ask for and give feedback on what’s happening, and go very slowly.
For women, it can help to start experimenting after having one or two orgasms, and it’s important to stimulate the clitoris (or even the vagina) at the same time, as pleasure intensifies significantly.
Only the receiving partner decides about penetration. Until they want it, there is no penetration. And it’s not necessary at all – pleasure doesn’t depend on it. During masturbation, lubricate your finger and rest the fingertip on your anus. Gently stroke the area while stimulating yourself with your other hand. Observe what your body desires. Allow your external sphincter time to relax. Similarly (not poking), you can rest your finger on your partner’s anus during oral sex. You’ll feel it if the body draws it in – until then, just gently hold it there.
Fantasy is valid! You can fantasize about anal sex even if you never want to do it physically.
Use lube! The anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina.
The anus has a different muscle structure than the vagina – it doesn’t open naturally. The outer sphincter can be consciously relaxed; the inner ring responds to pressure. It should never hurt – if it does, you’re not ready. Stop!
Only use toys with a flared base, so they don’t get lost inside.
Always use condoms for anal sex, even with regular partners, to prevent infections.
Aftercare:
It’s not the end of the world if a little fecal matter comes out during or after. Handle it with humor.
After the act, wash up, urinate and drink lots of water. Women, in particular are more prone to urinary tract infections afterward. After the penetration of a larger toy/penis, your sphincters might need time to close back up – do a bit of pelvic floor exercise. For a few days afterward, use a soothing cream suited to your body to calm the skin.
You can love it or want nothing to do with it – anal sex is an option, not a required step in our sexual journey.
The anus deserves just as much respect as any other part of our body. Some believe it’s an exit only, while others enjoy anal pleasure more than vaginal penetration. Don’t do it because of outside pressure – your sex life can be amazing without it. But if you want to try it – start with yourself.
